Wig Snap

Dear Hair Cut Lady-

When you ask me "what I want," I am polite and say "just a little bit off- same style but shorter."

Translation: I have no idea what I want. The only thing I know is if it looks good to me when you are finished. Does it look good to everyone else? Truthfully, it doesn't really matter.

Please, cut it however you want. Just don't make me look stupid. You are a girl. You and your kind care far more about what it looks like than I do. Even if I did know what I want, I wouldn't know how to verbalize that to you people. Because, here's the thing: I give that same answer every time I sit down in the spinny chair and it looks different every time I walk out the door.

When you ask me, "So just scissors then?," I say yes.

Translation: What the hell is the difference? If you were to say, "So just clippers then?," I would say yes as well. I do not care. Just please get me out of here as soon as humanly possible without a shaved head or a fohawk.

When you ask me if I "use product in my hair," I give an answer like, "sometimes."

Translation: If I get up early enough in the morning to do anything but brush my teeth and throw some clothes on, it is a miracle. On those few days (usually the weekend), I may throw some random stuff on my quaf.

When you ask me if I "want it washed," I will say yes.

Translation: What is that supposed to mean? Do I need it washed? Nevermind. I know I need it washed. I am not trying to impress you. Just cut my hair.

When you try to make small talk to me, I will respond and be polite.

Translation: Oh my God. Stop talking to me. I didn't come here to hear about why you just moved from Portland to be a hair dresser. I really don't care that your dog peed on the floor last night and how much it costs to rent a steam cleaner. It seriously makes no difference to me that your child just started Kindergarten and the teacher has the same hair as I do.

When you ask me if "that is the right length," I will usually say yes.

Translation: Shoot, that's too long. I am going to have to come back in two weeks. Whatever, let's get out of here.

When you ask me if I "want anything in my hair before I go home," I will say no.

Translation: If you do that, I am just going to run my hands through it as soon as I get out of your sight. And I'm definitely going to shower as soon as possible so I don't have hair under my collar for the rest of the day. No need for fancy creams.

When you ask me if I "want any product to take home," I will say "no thank you."

Translation: Do you guys sell two dollar Suave or bar soap here? If not, then no, I have no need for any 20 dollar shampoo or 13 dollar pomade. Who do I look like? Uncle Jessie?

Here's your 20 percent tip. Thanks for the snap. Have a nice day. Hope the dog pee comes off the rug.