Iowa City PD

9 college friends. Iowa city. U of A vs. Iowa. Danger Will Robinson. Danger

Let's be clear about one thing: I didn't break any laws the entire weekend (with the exception of speeding). However, I was definitely in the ballpark. Breaking the law, I have found, is one of those things you always want to stay at least one step away from.

As my friend David says: Don't heat sugar cubes with a lighter on a spoon and drop them into absinthe. One step away from heroin. I hear that stuff is not good.

Encounter with the law #1

Friday. 5:30 PM

81 in a 65. Red and Blue. Passengers had a few road sodas. Those of you that live in progressive states with intelligent congressmen are familiar with a little thing called the "open container law" and you may be saying to yourself, "Whaaaa, illegal!" It is not. Missouri does not have intelligent congressmen. However, having open containers is one step too close to breaking the law.

"Mr. Buchanan, can you step out of the vehicle please?"

"Yes, sir"

"This here is a Breathalyzer."

At this point, I remember the pre-game beers I had at happy hour and my heart begins to race harder than when my first girlfriend kissed my neck.

Mom and Dad- don't read this next part:

.061

Phew!

I'm feeling good. I'm feeling invincible. I figure, "Let's go for the gold."

"Officer- I am so incredibly sorry for speeding. I have been doing my best to keep it under 80 the entire drive from Saint Louis and I legitimately thought the speed limit was 70. I promise that if you let me off with a warning, I will drive like a snail for the rest of the way and I will never, ever let a girl kiss my neck again."

"You're getting a ticket son."

Whatever. There is nothing that can happen to me in the entire world that will keep me from having fun right meow.

And for the record, he did knock the speed down, the points will not go on my driving record and I get to mail in a measly payment in the next thirty days. Let's party.

Encounter with the law #2

Game day. 10:30 AM

The boys and I high-jack a tailgate spot and set up our folding table from the Mart for a little beer pong. The tailgaters who actually purchased the spot arrive.

"You guys are gonna have to move."

Next spot over. Game on.

Encounter with the law #3

11:00 AM

New tailgaters arrive.

"Strike two guys."

"How many strikes do we get officer?"

"Two. This isn't baseball."

Next spot over. Game on.

Encounter with the law #4

8:00 PM

Sam barges in our hotel room and starts pouring vodka into plastic cups while rolling his tongue loudly like a Tijuana shot girl. Most friends oblige. Brad does not. All other five guys-pretending-to-be-in-college see this and the peer-pressuring commences.

Apparently, the folks in the surrounding rooms did not appreciate 6 guys rolling their tongues loudly like Tijuana shot girls and pounding on the wall.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

"You guys need to keep it down. This is your first warning."

"How many warnings do we get officer?"

"One."

Smart man.

Encounter with the law #5

11:00 PM

I lose my group. I find two Hawkeyes and begin polite conversation even though most of their comments revolved in the neighborhood of, "Sorry you had to come all the way up here to lose man" and, "You guys showed up but your football team stayed in Tucson. What's up with that?"

Maybe it was my state of mind at the moment. Maybe it was the fact that I wanted to be hanging out with the people that I came all this way with. Maybe it was really true. The fact is, these guys, at the time, seemed identical to my friends Neal and Bryant who were having their own fun at the same time in this foreign city. I proceeded to call them "Replacement Neal" and "Replacement Bryant" for the remainder of the evening. In fact, they were so much like real Neal and Bryant, that Replacement Neal and Bryant thought this was hilarious.

Replacement Neal, Replacement Bryant and I walk through the town and have a grand 'ole time. Replacement Neal's go-to pick up line was, "Hey this guy lost his friends and we are trying to show him a good time. What are you girls going to do tonight?"

While Replacement Neal and I are giving this a go and striking out for the 900th time, we misplace Replacement Bryant.

We find him. Dude's in handcuffs.

"What did he do officer?"

"Public Intoxication."

"Have a nice night."

Encounter with the law #6

Sunday. 4:00 AM

Replacement Neal was kind enough to lead me to a nice little get-together. It's too late. Cops pull this oldest trick in the book: "Party's over kids."

My California ID is real officer. I swear.

Find hotel. Sleep. Not in jail. Back to the real world tomorrow.

I love college.